November 07th, 2022

I have just come back from a great trip out to see my boyfriend while he worked in Wisconsin. He works and I wait for him to get back to the hotel. While it is very nice to putter and work out and watch cable tv, I very much miss working. I miss having a purpose, a pursuit of my own.

From 2018 - spring of 2022, I worked from home for our business. I did scheduling and billing. I spent most days just sitting in the quiet waiting for the phone to ring. And it did ring often, but the calls were never about anything that let me use my skills. Winters killed me. Dark way too early and cold. The house has old, original windows that do not stop the wind at all. So I don't dress up, I dress in bundled layers, until I can't stand it one more minute and I walk over and hit the thermostat up a little higher. 

Now it is November, the beginning of the end of my summer sun. We have been trying to walk most afternoons when the day is at its warmest. Soon it will be too chilly and windy to walk outside and I will be stuck on a treadmill. While I am grateful to have the machine, it is very tedious to walk on it, even while listening to a great book series. 

While on social media this past week, I came upon a meme that stated, "Retirement age is 67. Life expectancy is 76. Work for 50 years to maybe enjoy 9? Start enjoying life now! No one is guaranteed a tomorrow!"  

The main part that hit me is to "maybe enjoy 9." I feel really stuck. I can do anything I want and I don't know what I want to do. The only thing I can't do is get a intown 9-5 job as I will often travel with my boyfriend. Having a job would be an easy way to kill a few hours each day and have a little fun. I feel whiney and underwhelmed. 

I am bored and dark days are coming. Every night, I take the meds that should help me get through another winter.